Sunday, May 17, 2009
Well, the 3 hour MRI scan did not happen! What a good way to start the day! I had to be at the local hospital for the scan at 6 a.m and was out by 8! That never happens! Now we just wait on Friday to get here and get the results… I feel lucky!
There are bits and pieces of emotional aspects that I will have a hard time writing about. It took a long time to over come it and come to terms with it, to feel good about myself, despite what the mirror said.
Growing up, other children don’t understand something so intense. All they knew is that Shanna didn’t look like every one else. I was picked on over and over again. The paralysis itself made me feel like a freak all on its own without having constant reminders, but then I get to middle school and that was all I got. My friends tried to surround me and protect me as much as they could, to reassure me and know they were still there despite what other people were name calling me. I got “crook mouth” and “Elvis” were the two main ones. I know it got harder as I got older; I never let them see me cry. My eyes would fill up with water, but the best was just to turn away. I was different and kids are cruel.
I remember I was so scared to start high school. I cried and cried the week before school to Mama because I did not want to start a new school and have to deal with this again. There was nothing she could do about it, Can you imagine having your child tell you that and not be able to help them? Some how I gathered up the strength to face it and just prayed for the best, expecting the worse. To my surprise, high school was different. I guess we were finally all growing up and those same kids who gave me hell in high school started to realize, ‘Shanna really is dealing with stuff she has no control over.’ One comment was made to me during lunch, we were outside and I was sitting around my god brother’s area. Doug heard that one comment and about threw the guy on the ground! Not one word was every said to me again and that day, he became my hero! It doesn’t take blood to make a family, when you grow up together, you still watch over them as you would your own.
I forgave those kids over time. Kids are cruel and I guess they are learning the world as much as the next person. Unfortunately, I will never forget and I sure wish I could. I still have issued with esteem today from it, even though everyone tells me how beautiful I am, the thought that goes through my mind is “you have no idea what I went thru to get here.” Believe it or not, a few of them became some very dear friends that I wouldn’t want to be without.
I take pictures now and I did back then, even though I hated the camera! That is probably why I took interest in photography, to work from behind the lens, instead the front. I did stop after the last brain tumor came out and my face froze again. Why did I want reminders of that? I just try to get my smile straight, probably too much. When I am drinking, I am carefree and that is probably the best smile I have. I have had quite a few over the years, mind you. It never comes back exactly the way it was.
My boyfriend now could care less about it- he just thinks I’m hot! Lol He sees more to me than the outside shell though and that makes me appreciate him that much more. Kenneth was actually the one that urged me to share my story. I let him read it to give him a rundown, after he researched NF2. He told me it needed to be told and you know, I never thought anyone would want to hear my shit, so blogging it really didn’t cross my mind. I seem to be wrong about that one. Ooops!